


new year's Eve is our thing

by AmayaYoura



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abused childhood, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Renegotiated Sokovia Accords, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Dehydration, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Killing, Loss of Virginity, Lost Bucky Barnes, Lost Love, Lost dreams, Marriage, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Non-Graphic Violence, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Natasha Romanov, Post-Battle of Sokovia, Red Room (Marvel), Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sokovia Accords, Starvation, mention of abortion, mention of brainwashing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-01 18:45:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13300971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmayaYoura/pseuds/AmayaYoura
Summary: each new year's Eve day brought something in Bucky and Natasha's life, so what will it bring this time?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Even if it is late but happy new year everybody and i hope that 2018 wil make all your wishes come true.
> 
> The idea of this story struck me exactly at 00:00 on new year while i was watching the fire works and i was really happy not only because of the festivities but because on that i won something and i never won anything before so i'm feeling a little optimistic about this year and i wanted to give one of my favorite couple in MCU a gift as well.
> 
> As for my other work i'm in the process of writing it as well as translating another fanfic.
> 
> Enjoy :)

For over seventy years, when he was Hydra’s puppet, he was so used to the same view every time he was unfrozen or putted in the cryostasis : his containment’s frozen glass reflecting the faces of his master that changes from time to time and the doctors among some Hydra’s agents. During his time as Hydra’s most precious weapon; those person’s faces change but the one thing that is common between them is their cold blood, the rough stares and the malicious smiles. He was a person with that description too with only one difference: unlike them, he didn’t became the famous cold assassin winter soldier willingly, before that, James Buchanan Barnes was a free young man with dreams, who liked to flirt, charm girls and to look out for his brother from another mother Steve Rogers who became known as Captain America.

Even when he was in that state, controlled by those snakes through some words and unable to remember anything or to make any decisions, deep down, he knew that he wanted something, wished some kind of a change. He never discovered the nature of that want until that new year’s Eve day when he met her ˝ Natalia Alianovna Romanova ̏, she was 16 years old presented to him as his mission: train her and make her the best in the Black Widow Program. The moment his eyes landed on her, she became his Red Rose as she was with her red hair, green eyes like his night light that brighten his dark life. As time passed on, he knew that what he wished for so long and really wanted now is simply her, to be at his side and to be his and his she became literally at the age of 17 and ironically on a new year’s Eve day when the responsibles of the red room offered her virginity to him for there was some kind of a sick tradition for trainers to take their students virginity, even for the winter soldier that was sick but at least in his case it was different because she gave him her first time willingly not by a twisted order and from that moment she became his salvation as he became hers.

They decided to run away and start over in some other place; they considered the United States especially after he remembered a lot of his past; the past before Hydra stitched her claws and destroyed him. They planned for everything, unfortunately, everything has an end and their happiness ended just when they were about to cross Spain’s borders. He was brainwashed again by that god forsaken machine but deep down in his brain, he knew something very important was a miss, the red color always affected him and felt like it was trying to awaken something like a memory in him to the point that it affected his missions and those doctors tried everything in their power to erase every flicker of memory that is related to his Natalia or the red color but it was in vain for the human brain is so complicated and it is impossible to understand it or the mechanism of work and his effects on the subconscious because that’s where some memories are stocked or stuck in some cases, so it was almost impossible to completely erase anyone’s memories and he was so thankful for that, for every time he was unfrozen after that and opened his eyes, he didn’t see his master’s face or those of Hydra’s agents but red hair and a beautiful set of green eyes that struck him each time with the look in them: pure affection, warmth and something else he couldn’t name. In those times that look was what gave him warmth and a flicker of happiness. He tried so hard to remember who that girl was but all he could know was that she was important to him and that was irritant but there was times when dreams of him embracing a red haired girl in his arms, making love and laughing, which he never did before as far as he can recall, invaded his sleep which helped him a lot during those time when his head was a total chaos and made him feel more human and less of a puppet or a killing machine and he was so grateful.

He finally remembered her- even if not entirely- after the battle in the German airport which gave him hope but after the doctors in Wakanda helped him regain control over himself, restored his memories and got rid of the effect of the trigger words, that hope was mixed a need and a fear. A need to have another chance in order to be with her, to have her in his arms again, to be able to realize their dreams and a fear of not being able to have that second chance because he’s a refuge, a wanted criminal or worst; that she doesn’t feel the same toward him anymore.

Fortunately, it seemed that fates were kind to him and decided to end his misery and gave him his second chance because here he is, lying in the bed, looking at his reason of life, the love of his life, his beautiful wife, his Natalia.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll try to post a chapter each week
> 
> enjoy :)

Her life got suspended at the age of five. She remembers the events like it happened yesterday and she prided herself of having a strong memory, it was the new year’s Eve, she was playing with a doll while her parents; who unfortunately she doesn’t remember their faces; were sitting in front of the fire place. They were a happy family, of that she was sure despite all the manipulation and the brain washing she faced, suddenly that scene changed to a violent one when a group of armed man broke through the house and killed her parents in front of her, then their leader turned his head toward her, he marched in her direction; while having a sneaky smile; held her in his arms and took her.

Since then, the little innocent girl named Natalia Alianovna Romanova died. Those masked man took her that fateful night to a place called The Red Room, which became her ˝ home ̏ for a long years, where a governmental program was held: ˝ The Black Widow program ̏ which consisted of training kidnapped or orphan girls to become cold blooded assassins/spies.

For eleven years, she faced brainwashing in order to forget her old life, to have a blank mind able to take in new memories and they succeeded, she forgot her parents faces, where or when she was born, where she lived. Fortunately she was able to keep her name, during those long and painful hours of brainwashing; she insisted and begged her mind not to forget her only link to her past, her identity. She also got starved to death, dehydrated, sleep deprived, she was taught martial arts, the weak spots in the human body and how to target them, how to read a person by speaking to him, watching him or simply through his body movements. They taught them everything that has anything to do with espionage or killing. Their cruelty and brutality had no limits, the instructs used animation movies like snow white to brainwash the girls and ˝program ̏ their minds, they even turned Ballet into a killing and torturing tool: Madame B would make them train or repeat some movements to the point of feeling like their bones got broken, she also taught them how to kill through dancing moves. The most terrifying cruel thing was yet to come when their trainers used to starve them then make them fight each other to win the food, they forced them to kill their opponent in those fights when they defeat them just for a loaf of bread. When they asked them about the reason of those matches the first time it happened, they simply responded that everything done to them is for their benefit, to become the best of the best; la crème de la crème in the assassination/ espionage field.

When she was 15 years old about to reach 16, they started to teach them a new technique of killing and getting information: intimacy or sex, the instructors educated them about everything there is to know about men anatomy, their weak spots and how to target them and use the right techniques during sex in order to get the job done because men tend to not only lose their clothes during sex but also their caution and minds too which would be the best moment for getting information out of them or to kill them. The twisted thing in this is that firstly their teachers wanted them to make the sexual act pleasant and mind blowing for their targets but painful for themselves because if the intimate relation were also appealing or pleasurable for the spy or leave some kind of pleasant satisfying feeling it could lead to the appearance of some type of attachment from the spy toward the target and that would be the downfall of the spy and potentially his agency as well. Secondly, those lessons about sex as well as his use were only in theory, so that led to confusion from their part how sex should be painful for them but in same time enjoyable for the target. That was cleared out when they saw some kind of demonstration through human sized dolls and photos which kind of left a bad impression in their young minds.

It got worse when the older girls told them that the real demonstration or the training of that part would be when their personal instructors would take their virginity and that it would hurt more than anything that they faced before. A week later, they saw the result of losing virginity for the first time when a crying girl, from a group older than them by a year, passed before them; her skirt was torn and drenched with blood; her top was barely covering her chest and two guards were holding her while asking her personal trainer if she was good in bed because he kept her for two days.

The image of that girl never left her, from that day and for the following two months, she prayed; like she never did before; everyday for anything to happen in order for her not to have a personal instructor, to get her out of this hell or even to die because she felt like she was dead anyway since the day they took her from her house.

In general, the eleven years she spent at the Red Room were a living hell even thought she was one of the responsible’s favorites for being one of the best candidates to hold the Black Widow title but her life turned officially into a living nightmare; quite literally; when they told her in the morning of new year’s Eve that she would meet her personal trainer at mid-noon. In that moment, everything disappeared into the endless darkness already engulfing that place, she spent the entire morning feeling sick to her stomach to the point of missing breakfast and lunch; which she never did before; that feeling got much worse when she arrived to the training room where she was told that the winter soldier was to be her new personal responsible. In that second, all she saw was his back and the image of that bleeding girl whose face now changed in her mind to her own face, she pictured herself in that girl’s place because the winter soldier being her new master would mean that she would be forced to have her first time with him and his reputation of being a cold blooded brutal assassin; a killing machine with a human form precedes him. He was a legend in the Red Room, the girls back then; after the lights were turned off; used to share a lot of stories; heard from the guards; about his missions; how he has no mercy toward his targets, so she already had an idea about who he was as well as his capabilities and characteristics especially his brutal force which made her believe that her state would be much more worse than that girl if she doesn’t die before that in a training session or a mission with him.

Each step she took toward him made her curse the day she was born and the fate that putted her in that situation. When she stopped in front of him and he faced her, in that moment when their eyes met, the first thing that got her attention apart from his huge and strong physical structure, was the conflicted look in his icy blue eyes: anger; emptiness; darkness but in the same time haunted; full of pain; sadness; regret and surprisingly something appeared in his eyes: wonder and a faint light.

As time passed on, her opinion about him as an atrocious merciless person changed, as the winter soldier, the precious weapon of the KGB and Hydra, he was a force to be rocked with and she witnessed this during their trainings or the missions in which she participated. During six months, she experienced and realized what the famous winter soldier was as what he is made of. He was capable to make her ˝ the best ̏ in the Red Room, she learned more than what she did during the previous years. But on the other hand, she came to discover in him a new side that she was so sure from her observation was not known by anybody else. During the training he may has appeared so tough, rough, harsh but there was some kind of tenderness and care especially when he offers her his hand for her to stand up; sometimes he would even push her lightly toward himself and just stare at her eyes or treat her small wounds. He never lashed her out when she couldn’t give her best performance or learn a move, he would always tell her to try to do it again with a calm voice, every time she won against him which was rare at that time or managed to learn a difficult move, she was able to spot a look of pride in his eyes and surprisingly a ghost of a tender and proud smile.

During her time in the Red Room, she never was excited to wake up and go to training but with him as her trainer, each night she used to wish that the next day would come faster in order to go and see him, of course that wasn’t the case with the other girls with her who complained about their brutal techniques in training or how they would punish and reprimand them. Some of the girls were severely injured. That new discovered side of her teacher didn’t stay just in the training room but it was even present in the halls where whether some foolish guards tried to give her a twisted look or speak about her in a wrong way, he would always stop walking and look at them with a cold and murderous look. Or during the mission, he was kind of protective and would become irritate with an appearance of some kind of jealousy  especially if she had to try and seduce the target to a secluded area in order for either her or the soldier to be able to kill him without rising suspicion.

Eventually and without realizing, she became to think of him not simply as the winter soldier her personal teacher but as ˝ her soldier ̏, the one who made her feel alive after feeling dead and empty for so long, it was her soldier that made her heart beat again; after being dormant for a long period; made her feel like a person cherished and cared for with his tender look full of longing, affection, hope and something else she couldn’t or didn’t dare to give it a name at that time until later, with his gests; protectiveness and smiles reserved only to her.

The person she; before meeting him; feared, wished death in order not to meet him, became her reason for waking up every morning and enduring her stay in that hellhole called the Red Room. So when the responsible told her, before her training session on the morning of the new year’s Eve day, that she would be having her first time that night, she didn’t got scared or anything, on the contrary, she felt happiness and stress free because she knew deep down that she will be safe, her soldier would take care of her, he would treat her well but most importantly she trusted him and loved him. In that morning after the training she decided to do a bald move, so she kissed him not a long nor a brief kiss but one that contained her feelings for him and went out leaving him standing in the middle of the room shocked and surprised. Her trust and faith in him didn’t disappoint her that night, with just one kiss, this time initiated by him, he made not just her heart but her entire body beat with anticipation, he treated her like she was a porcelain doll, they spent almost the entire night making love and talking while cuddling but at some point she got tired so he made her sleep by embracing her; brushing her hair with his metallic hand; sweet talking to her with a promise of being beside her not just in the following morning but for always, a chaste kiss and a love confession. For the first time in eleven years, she slept that night a deep and dreamless sleep, safely in her soldier’s arms. She simply felt that she was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to review, comments make my day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language and i don't own anything.
> 
> Enjoy ;)

The following morning, upon returning from the land of dreams to consciousness, she felt his body next to hers, he removed some strands of hair from her face then he started stroking her cheek with his metal arm; a symbol of danger; brutal strength and death but to her it became a symbol of safety, of feeling home in the arms of her soldier, she opened her eyes and shared a good morning kiss that led to another round of steaming morning sex. If it wasn’t for her lover expressing his concern of exhausting her body or causing her harm, one round didn’t suffice. Instead, they talked in order to know a little bit more about each other which led her to discover that her lover has lost all his memories; as a result of a lot of brainwashing; including his own name so they reached an agreement, after she confessed of her feeling weird if she continued to call him teacher after what transpired between them, to call him Andros. She left his room that morning feeling content and alive which wasn’t the case for the other girls when she returned to the dorm; they were either crying from pain or talking about what happened to them. She felt pity for them and didn’t show anything on her face about the joy she was feeling but she was exploding inside of happiness.  
For eleven years, New Year’s Eve represented death and a lost life but that time it gave her a chance of being alive again, of having a second chance in life with her soldier, her warrior, her love  
As time passed on, their relationship progressed, it became more firm, serious, deep and passionate her soldier became more protective and possessive especially during missions as for the training sessions, he kept it serious and strict but less brutal which didn’t affect the result of those trainings and she stayed in the top which was showed when she used to put in place all what she learned about espionage and infiltration in order to sneak to her soldier’s room where they talked, kissed, made love or simply cuddled and slept in each other’s arms but in the morning, she would sneak again to the dorm before wake up time.  
Their safe haven was during the missions they both went to alone where they used to go to real dated, hold hands, spend the entire night together without the need to sneak, to be cautious or being afraid of being caught even thought that rash of adrenaline caused by the fear was exciting and made their relation more lively.  
Their relationship didn’t only gave her back the sensation of life but it did give something to her Andros too, something they thought lost forever, his memories. After six months through their relationship, he started regaining fragments of his forgotten past; images of two older persons whom they assumed were his parents; figures of three young girls and a lot of memories involving a blond boy called Steven, in all his dreams where those memories stroked him, English and a place called Brooklyn were the main common things in them which led them to put a possibility of him being an American especially that when he spoke in those memories or even in missions there was no British accent. The negative side of the memory’s recovery was remembering all the crimes he committed as the winter soldier, adding to that not being able to remember his name.  
The miracle happened in their one year anniversary on New Year’s Eve, they were deeply asleep when suddenly he woke up shaking and crying. She still remembers it:  
_______________________________  
She was deeply asleep in her Andros arms when she felt him trembling then waking up breathing quickly and crying,  
˝ Andros, what’s wrong? ̏ said Natalia while putting her hand on his shoulder but he didn’t answer her so she asked again:  
˝ Andros, are you okay? Is it another bas memory? ̏ said a very worried Natalia.  
Her lover stopped crying then turned himself to her, took her face in his hands and kissed her very deeply.  
˝ James ̏ said a very touched winter soldier.  
˝ What? ̏  
˝ My name is James, I remember it now, that blond person Steven called me James. He called me with this name in three different memories. ̏ said James while still holding Natalia’s face in his hands.  
˝ James, James, well at least now I know with what I call you but you will always be my Andros, my warrior.̏ said the spy while putting her arms around her warrior’s neck and smiling a mischievous teasing seductive smile.  
James putted his hands around her waist and pulled her towards him then said: ˝ and you my Red Rose are my everything, my salvation. ̏ after that he kissed her and they made love like never before.  
________________________________________  
Three months after that night, during a regular training session, James surprised her with sudden decision.  
«Let’s run away» he said calmly  
«What? »said Natalia with a little loud voice.  
«You heard right, I said let’s run away and start a new life far away from here, don’t you wish that too? » said the soldier while holding her face.  
« Do I wish for that? Ahh James, you have no idea of my wishes, especially when they include you and they all do.» said the red head while putting her hands on his the continued « the first time I discovered my feelings for you, I wished for them to be reciprocated , well thank god it came true because I have never been more happier in my life since our relationship began. As exciting as it is applying what I learnt here while sneaking to your room but it scares me too for I know what will happen if, god forbid it, they discovered that our relation surpass that of teacher/student relation which make me wish for us to have a normal one, a normal life where we could do as we pleas; to have a house where we don’t need to be cautious, careful, sneak around and pretend so that no one discover the nature of our relation, I wish to be a real ballerina not to use ballet as a killing tool, hell at some point I imagined us having a baby for god’s sake as weird and unrealistic as that can be coming from someone like me who killed a father of two children last week all his fault was crossing the wrong people. So if all of this doesn’t give you an answer to the nature of my wish regarding our relationship then I don’t know what will. »  
« Natalia, MOE COKPOBͶЩE, you know very well what I meant with my question, I never suspected your feelings for me or your opinion about our relationship and what you revealed now make me think that iam the luckiest bastard on earth. I too wish the same things as you but think about it, why let them be just wishes, dreams while we can make them reality. As for you thinking that the wish to have a kid is weird and twisted because you killed someone who’s a father is a total BS. What do you say about me becoming a father, I who killed people more than I can remember and I’m sure that I only remember half of them? But you darling, I’m sure that you can be a fantastic mother. »  
« James, all those crimes were committed by Hydra, not you, don’t put all the blame on yourself, we talked about this before. » said Natalia while stroking his left cheek.  
« But still, they were committed by my hands. »  
« The winter soldier’s hands under Hydra’s orders. »  
« The winter soldier and I are the same person. »  
« Yes, I know that, but still, you were brainwashed, manipulated and under their control, you weren’t conscious when you did what you did…» said Natalia then she stopped and laughed.  
« Why are you laughing!? » said the winter soldier frowning his eyebrows.  
« It’s just since we started our relation two years ago, this is our first argument. »  
« Well it seems I’m not going to win it, so what do you say? » said the sergeant while stroking a piece of her hair.  
« Even if I agree, how will we escape from here and where will we go? »  
« We have a mission next week that is supposed to last for three days, of course it is expected from us to call them on the third day so we will make our move and escape in the first day which will give us two days to go away as far as we can. As for our destination, we will go to my country, I remembered my home address, I’m sure that we can get help there. »  
« Ok, then until next week we have to plan our moves more carefully. »  
« Ok … I just have one request from you. »  
« Which is? »  
« If our plan failed and they caught us, they will use the trigger words in order to control me, so I need you to run away the moment they start saying the first word “asset”, run away and don’t look behind you» said the soldier with a serious tone.  
« What do you mean run and leave you behind? I…y.. You can’t ask me to do that. I just can’t. »  
« Listen to me, once they start using those words, I lose control as well as my freewill, like the monsters as I know them, they will order me to kill you as a punishment for both of us. That will end me, I won’t bear that, hell, I feel already sick and lost just to think of it. So please promise me that you will do as I say. » said the soldier with a pained tone at the image of him being ordered to kill his rose.  
« Ok, I promise you but let’s start preparing our plane so that we don’t reach to that point and make our wishes come true. »  
The soldier didn’t reply, he just held her face again and told her « I love you» then kissed her a kiss in which he poured all his feelings and hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i chose Andros as a name for him because i found that it means a warrior


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like usual, english is not my first langage nor do i have a beta.
> 
> i own nothing.  
> enjoy and don' forget R&R ;)

By the time the fated day arrived, they had planned everything. They decided not to go to the United States directly; they would switch between trains and planes. So when they were dropped in Vienna, they started immediately executing their plan, they forged many passports and IDs as well as ordering two US passports which were supposed to be delivered to them in Madrid where they would take a plan directly to the US. They took their time and were very careful and cautious, everything was running smoothly or so it appeared to them for just when they were about to cross Spain’s borders they were caught by both Hydra and the Red Room agents.

« Well, Well, Well. Look what we have here, the teacher and his student or should I say his lover. What a scandalous thing. » a KGB agent said with a malicious tone. Natalia recognized him immediately, she used to see him a lot in the red room; he even gave them once a lesson in torture and information extraction through manipulation.

« Did you really think you two that we wouldn’t discover your plan or the nature of your relation!? We have eyes everywhere, in every corner in Europe so it is not easy to run away from our claws. I should confess thought; we didn’t discover your disappearance until the second day. We thought at first that something wrong happened for you to disappear but imagine our surprise when a Hydra’s agent spotted you through camera surveillance in the train station in Orleans holding hands and looking… very… mm how should I describe it… intimate; yeah that’s the word. Well; that led us to another conclusion, one of you seduced the other but whom exactly? » another sly faced Red Room agent said.

He smiled a very wicked smile than continued: « We all know that the winter soldier is Hydra’s puppet, he may have stayed in the red room for too long without his brain wash sessions but he wouldn’t disobey orders and act on his own just like that, after all; he’s just a killing machine all his purpose is executing his master’s orders, so the bet is on you little Natalia, it’s you who seduced and convinced him to go against his masters and orders. I never before expected you of all the candidates to go this far after everything we have done and offered you. But we must be proud of you and of us for we trained you so well to the point that you managed to trap in your web one of our most precious weapons; a weapon that wasn’t supposed to have a will or feelings. »

« No, it is not her; it’s me who seduced her. I came with the idea and convinced her, she has nothing to do with all of this. If you want to blame someone; blame me, and if someone has to be punished; it is me. Let her out of all of this. » James said while holding Natalia’s hand tightly.

« Who seduced who, who planned this; all of this doesn’t matter now. What matter more is the result; a girl trying to betray who offered her a bright future; an opportunity to serve her country. And a puppet who is supposed to be just a weapon trying to act like a person. » Someone said from behind Hydra’s agents who started to disperse while that person started walking.

James tensed upon hearing the voice; he pushed Natalia behind him and said to her in a low voice and tone punctuated by fear and anxiety.

« He is supposed to be my…˝ Master ̏ , he will use the words, so just run and don’t look behind you. I love you so much, don’t forget that. »

« James, please… don’t » the red head said with a low and stifled voice filled with pain and eyes full of sorrow and sadness because she knows what he is asking her to do. He told her the night before that if they were ever caught, he will try to distract them by attacking in order for her to run.

 The sergeant cupped her face- they already knew the nature of their relation and they were going to punish them so they didn’t care for showing some kind of PDA in front of Hydra and Red Room agents- and with a look full of pain said: « Just go, please, live your life, I love you. » he then kissed her and pushed her.

Natalia didn’t have the time to reply, just as he finished; the winter soldier pulled two guns and started shooting at the soldiers who didn’t have the time to pull their guns and started falling on the ground like leaves on a windy autumn day.

She started to run as fast as her legs could allow. She got far away but she didn’t stop, she looked behind her in hope of seeing if James was following her when suddenly she heard a loud scream; she felt like her heart stopped for a minute because that scream belonged to her soldier. It meant that they were using the trigger words in order to control him and he was trying to fight back. They both knew that they wouldn’t kill him, he was so valuable to them so she kept running, she promised him that she wouldn’t allow herself to be caught by either him or them and give those monsters the satisfaction of seeing her die by the hands of her lover.

After hours, she reached a small village where she checked in a small auberge. She planned to leave the next morning and continue her way to the US like it was planned in case he got caught. Unfortunately, the whole village was infested with Hydra’s agents and for someone who was trained to spot enemies and danger from miles away, she got distracted; distracted by her grief; by the memories and her hope that James might have been able to defeat the influence of the trigger words, she fell asleep dreaming of waking up and finding her soldier by her side in the morning. Of them going to someplace where they would live their life and start a family.

Unfortunately, when she woke up, James wasn’t by her side; but what was the most terrifying was her discovering that she was not in the inn’s room but in the hellish nightmare again that she planned to escape from: the Red Room where they told her of them taking something from her which destroyed her and his effect stayed for years to come. Taking James from her was nothing compared to what they revealed; they destroyed the link that connected her with James; the fruit of their love; their baby. It appeared that she was six weeks pregnant. They didn’t stop there, killing her baby as a punishment wasn’t enough, they even took her ability to have children.

They told her that aborting her baby was her punishment for trying to escape with the super soldier even thought they were tempted to let her keep him and train him or her to be the best asset, after all the baby was combination of the best bioweapon and one of the best candidates to hold the Black Widow title but they changed their minds, that would have been dangerous and would have caused a lot of troubles. As for ruining her reproductive system, it was a ceremony to groom her officially as a Black Widow. The title was given to her in front of the KGB and the Red Room directors and officials after she was tortured to discipline her. They even gave her a brainwash session, but that didn’t work for her for she remembered everything and their deeds only after a week, that day she cried like never before, she cried for her fate, her stolen childhood and life, for her lost love that died from the murmurs she heard in the halls, and most importantly for her baby that didn’t see the day.

The red room became like a black hole with a sole purpose, sucking every beautiful thing in her life, she felt like she was in a vortex. She wanted to desperately run away but at that time she felt like coward, every time she thought of running away, the memory of James and their baby struck her like a hammer. She stayed in there for two years, she didn’t have any other place to go but she didn’t care; she felt like a corpse without a purpose moving only by her mind’s will to live; she wanted to revenge herself, James and their baby but she knew that she couldn’t do that alone. Every mission she did killed her a thousand time even thought the success of those dreadful missions made her a legend. The straw that broke the camel’s back and made her decide to really run away from that god forsaken place was when she was ordered to repeat what happened to her when she was five years old, to kill a family composed of the parents and grandparents and bring the child in order to train her.

When she arrived to the intended home, she saw them; through a window; around the dining table having dinner. The child was laughing and the mother was serving dinner, they looked so happy. That scenery in front of her made her imagine what could have been her life as child or even what could have happened if she and James made it to the US and started a family. She pushed those thoughts deep in her mind for they bring nothing but grief, sorrow and reminding of lost dreams. Instead, she looked intensely at the little girl and saw herself in her, she knew; if she executed the order; what was waiting the little girl. So she looked one last time at that beautiful scenery representing not only her past but what could life has been if she had her soldier and their baby by her side. She smiled and left that night deciding to never return to that hellhole where there was only pain, sorrow, a lost life and bittersweet memories.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iam so sorry for the very late update, i wanted to post earlier this week but after infinity war, i got depressed and too many fanfics to lift my spirits. anyway here is the new chapter, i hope you like it.  
> enjoy ;)

They say that a nation without a past has no future. This also could apply to people, so the first thing Natalia did after defecting from the red room was discovering her past; who were her parents? Where was she living the first five years of her childhood and life? She made some contacts as well as getting some favors that she owed some people and finally found her old house; it was a beautiful little two storey house with a little garden in the backyard in the outskirts of Stalingrad. She also was able to locate her parent’s grave where she discovered their identities: Alexei Antonovich Romanova and Alyona Dimitrevna Romanova née Lebedeva.

That day, she felt a little bit relieved after a long time because not only she got rid of that hell hole but more importantly she discovered her origins even thought she still doesn’t remember too much of her childhood and even her adulthood’s memories in the red room were not clear or trusted because of all the brainwashing that she was exposed to. Never less, that didn’t stop her from smiling a real smile from the heart which was something she didn’t do since two years ago.

After the identity’s revelation, she went to a trip around Russia and some parts of Europe for six months in which she took some side contracts like espionage and infiltrations because a girl has to live; a horrible excuse( she knew that back then and now). James wanted her to live her life not to continue that path and she felt like betraying his will but on the other hand, being the black widow was what she knew and did best. It was like the red room made sure that her life would be only revolving around this, besides she lost the only two people who were able to make her live a different life, a life were she would have lived in Brooklyn probably, in a house like the one of her childhood with James; who maybe would have joined the army again or did something else entirely, and their child; whom if he turned up to be a girl would have probably enrolled her in a ballet school; real one not the red room version. But if he turned up to be a boy; well; he would have enrolled in sport activities or martial arts. She and James would have trained their baby be it a girl or a boy, after all they would have been the winter soldier and the black widow’s offspring, being a fighter runs in their blood. She would have added maybe another child or two to their family. But all of that was only a fading wish; a dream, James is gone, their baby along with her fertility are gone also and she knew that there would be no other man in her life, she could never love anyone else like she did her soldier, he was her first and last love.

She continued doing her freelances for three years in which her reputation and fame in her field spread like wildfire, the only good thing that she gained during her doing this was killing many hydra and red room agents, killing them made her feel some kind of a sadistic feeling, she enjoyed their pain as she tortured them; the look on their faces before dying, it gave her a little satisfaction for she felt like avenging her soldier, their baby and lost dreams. But truth to be told, that hole freelance projects were also making things get worse, she saw her hands painted with the blood of her victims, she wanted to atone but the problem was her distrust in anything related to government; besides she was wanted in several countries, private agencies were fishy in her opinion. There was no way in hell to try or even think about trying to work for the soviet government for it was connected to the red room, the German government was out of the question as well.

Her chance for atonement came in the form of a man in a café in Amsterdam, she was sitting drinking her cup of coffee when suddenly a man in his late twenties and early thirties set in the chair in front of her, he told her that he was a SHIELD agent and killing her was his mission. In that moment, she got ready to kill him but then he said something that changed her life, he didn’t want to kill her, for some reason it didn’t feel right to him. He offered her a chance to join shield and start a new page. It felt weird for her but his face didn’t show any kind of emotion, dishonesty or betrayal so she decided to believe him and took his offer. Well she didn’t regret it, after sis months, she got accepted as an official agent of Shield, she started to atone for her wrongs; the red in her ledger and she gained a friend, a good one who; after a year of being a shield agent and participating together in many missions; trusted her with his most precious secret, his family that became hers as well as making her a godmother to his second child. She would never be able to repay her debt to Clinton Francis Barton.

Before joining SHIELD, New Year’s eves were a nightmare, she used to lock everything in her apartment, turn off all the lights except the living room where she would sit and drink to oblivion or close to that for if in the day; her memories attack her, in the night it got worse. The nightmares were so intense and painful, especially if they were connected to James and her abortion, to the point that she would wake up screaming for mercy; mercy to have just one dreamless sleep. It wasn’t like the other days were free of memories and nightmares but in that specific day it was the worst for its value in her life, the good thing was her ability of controlling herself got better and she started waking up without screaming.

After meeting Clint’s family and spending time with them especially the children, the day period eased up, she was either doing a mission or getting distracted by the children. Even the dreadful New Year’s Eve got better and night mares also eased up.

In general, her life was getting a little bit better, but like everything in life and especially hers, that didn’t last for her past followed her and appeared in blood and flesh during an escort mission in Iran. If only it turned out like she wished a long time ago but not all wishes come true.

A long time ago, when she used to either dream or imagine James returning to her by some miracle, he would come to her smiling his smile that was reserved only to her because the winter soldier doesn’t have emotions; doesn’t smile; he was only a weapon; a puppet to control, those were Hydra and the red room’s thoughts but she was the only one who really knew the person behind the frightening legendary winter soldier. She dreamed a lot of scenarios. Alas even in her worst nightmares, she never imagined him appearing in front of her with that emotionless cold empty look in his once upon a time expressive eyes and pointing his gun toward her.

If he had been somebody else, she would have been able to defend herself, to shoot him, to escape but he was her most desired dream,; her secret wish in the shape of a living nightmare, she froze in her place, her mind couldn’t wrap this, it couldn’t pass the order to her body to move. She watched in slow motion like in a movie scene as the winter soldier shoot her without hesitation; like he didn’t recognize her- her mind told her that he was certainly brainwashed or he wouldn’t have shot her-. Fortunately, the bullet got directed to her stomach which led to a scar that prevents her from really enjoying wearing a bikini.

The bikini problem was the least of her problems or worries; even thought it represents till now a sad heart breaking memory; for in that night her nightmares came back all in one wave, hitting her with full force, they lasted for two weeks in which she used to wake up scared; screaming and drenched in sweat like someone poured water on her, at one point she had a hyperventilation attack after having a nightmare about a conscious winter soldier shooting at her pregnant belly. She knew deep down that it was irrational, she wasn’t pregnant; could never be and he would never do that even if he was brainwashed, but she couldn’t stop her mind from repeating that nightmare over and over again like a broken tape till she collapsed and her nerves broke down. Thankfully, after two months she regained her mental strength; the nightmares stopped their intensity, she returned to her usual self and to her work even thought Clint and Laura wanted her to rest more; she could really never repay them for their support during her stay with them. After that cursed escort mission, she went to her apartment but Clint discovered her state so he put an open leave demand at Shield and took her to the farm where she spent two months healing and spending time with her family, the only family she will probably have in her life.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as far as i know about patronomycs are after the father but in natasha's name " alianovna" which would be Alian and it's weird, so i tried to combine her parents first names Alexei and Alyona and made it look like a combination.
> 
> Don't forget to review, comments make my day.
> 
> R&R


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, sorry for the delay.  
> enjoy :)

** Chapter 06 **

They say that time heals everything; in her case it didn’t as it should be. Her physical wounds healed with time but the problem was the anterior wounds, the ones graved deep in her heart and soul, they just wouldn’t heal no matter what she did. Life went on, she returned to her job after that vacation in the farm. She took mission after mission in order to distract herself, that worked most of the time but sometimes those internal wounds would burn her and her soul like feverish iron do on the skin. She didn’t let that stop her from moving on, she turned a new leaf and let the past behind her, well behind her as far as she can for that past sometimes would haunt her to the point that she would feel like a lonely scared child left abandoned in a haunted house but every time she reminded herself that she was the Black Widow and black widows are made from marble. At least all that mental crap that the red room taught her got useful in something.

Nightmares became something permanent in her life, a fixture just like James’ love in her heart that no man can erase or replace it including the knowledge that even with him being alive wouldn’t mean that her dreams would become true. She kept moving forward in her life, she became an avenger and gained friends whom with time became like a family; a dysfunctional one but still a family; and a chance to atone truly for her wrongs given on a golden plate especially after Shield’s fall after discovering it was a nest fested with Hydra’s agents, the same organization that took her lover and future from her. After that discovery, she became devastated especially upon realizing that James or Steve’s Bucky was under her nose all this time and again he tried to shoot her and beat the shit out of his best friend. At least this time; which gave her some relief; he didn’t return to Hydra or his handlers, he disappeared according to Steve and some events, it seemed that he broke free from the control, if he was still the winter soldier he wouldn’t have saved Steve from drowning, he would have returned to his handler but he didn’t; they knew that and confirmed it. She made some contacts and pulled some favors in order to have the winter soldier’s file and gave it to Steve who was determined to find his buddy. Off course Steve thought that she did it for the sake of their friendship, she did it for that but also for her own sake too, for her hopeful wish, for her lost child and her love’s sake.

Steve couldn’t find him, if the winter soldier doesn’t want to be found he wouldn’t be; that she knew very well. It seemed from some evidence and footages that he was on a journey to find himself, that gave her and Steve a big relief and peace of mind from the idea that Hydra caught him or something. When he would be ready he will appear, of that they were sure.

Life as an avenger wasn’t easy at all, they were a group of people who have different personalities; different opinions and beliefs; different attitudes but at least they share one objective which is protecting people and the world. They faced many villains; issues and problems like Ultron which made them gain new members but also created cracks in their family even though that didn’t stop them from going to missions and work together. SI and Tony paid for everything and offered them weapons; the best technology on planet, unlimited funds and a home seeing as Shield no longer exists or support them so in some way SI owns the avengers initiative even though it is not a governmental organization which made them appear as vigilantes in the eyes of a lot of the world’s population and that led to the biggest problem that they have ever faced, the Sokovia accords; a set of laws and regulations with the objective of regulating the activities of enhanced individuals and a demand that the avengers shall no longer be a private organization but they have to work under the supervision of the UN.

Off course that led to a crack that divided their family and led to Civil War as the media called it. Captain America’s team; those who refused to sign the accords and Iron Man’s team; those who signed the accords herself included. She and Tony knew about those accords before they were represented to them and made plans for ratifications, she tried many times to approach the subject with Steve and tell him about the plans but he either tried to avoid that or something interrupts them until the accords were handed to them and hell broke loose.  

A lot happened during that short period, the only good thing that came out of that was the appearance of her James even thought his return was related to some bad events that were attributed to him as the winter soldier, she faced him but unfortunately he didn’t remember her and she would be a liar if she says that it didn’t break her heart a little bit. At the end, things got under control thanks to her and Tony because if she didn’t do what she did and let everything to Steve, the end would have been catastrophic for both teams.

That idiot knew very well that James killed Tony’s parents when he was under Hydra’s control; he promised her that he would tell Tony everything but he didn’t. she could understand his reasons; he was afraid for his friend’s safety, that if Tony knew the truth he would be very hurt and he would or could hurt James. She took into consideration those reasons when she decided to tell Tony the truth, he was so shocked and very hurt, that was the only and first time where she saw Tony the genius confident billionaire looking so venerable, hurt with a lot of pain in his eyes. She knew that if James was in front of him in that moment Tony would have hurt him and she wouldn’t blame him but it was for James’ benefit that Tony knew the truth from them better than from someone else, besides Tony could help them a lot, she knew Tony to that extent; he was a lot of things but he has a big heart.

Thank God she told him because Tony had to go to Siberia to help Steve and and James to get rid of other supposed winter soldiers who were about to be woken up by someone names Zimo, the same person who controlled James through the trigger words back in Vienna and made him cause Havoc. Back then, Zimo showed Tony his parents’ murder records, it did affect Tony, they were his parents after all but not to the point of making him snap or try to kill James. If only it stopped there, Zimo used the trigger words again on James and made him attack Tony when he noticed that the video had not resulted into what he anticipated. When they found Tony, he was not in good shape with no sight of Steve or James and a beaten up Zimo.

The following three days were hell for her; she was dead scared and worried for her friends, her lover and team Cap who got imprisoned in the Raft. On the fourth day, Tony got the green light to go out of the hospital; he got on contact with King Tchalla in order to discuss the raft prisoners and the accords amendments, then they heard the good news from Tchalla, Steve and James were in Wakanda where they stayed for the following seven months under the kings’ protection as a way of apology to the soldier after learning of his mind’s condition when he was accused of killing king Tchaka and to heal him from the brain washing that he submitted to from Hydra.

During those months, from a hand, she; Tony; Rhodes; Vision and the king worked on the ratification of the accords and the pardon for their friends who run from the raft after Vision sent the prison map to Steve and off course to ensure James full pardon as well as dropping all kind of charges against him using the fact that all those crimes were done by the winter soldier’s hands; Hydra’s controlled killing machine not James Buchanan Barnes aka Bucky; Steve’s best friend, loving son and brother, a WWII soldier, Sergeant in the US army. Two names for the same body with different personalities. On the other hand, James was getting treatment in Wakanda, even Tony helped by sending the B.A.R.F to him.

After four months, she went to Wakanda using the amendment of the accords as an excuse to visit him and see if he knows her or at least remember anything about her. At first he denied recognizing her at all but there was something in his eyes, a look filled with pain, remorse, sadness, fear, a need of some sort and something she couldn’t decipher at first. She didn’t push him in the first visit for his mind was still fragile but she kept visiting him every 2 or three weeks and each time he denied knowing her even thought his looks said the opposite but like everything her patience has a limit, she decided to confront him and make him confess especially after the occurrence of two accidents, the first was when he called her his red rose; which was his nickname for her during the red room days; while he thought she was sleeping in the living room. The second accident was when he called her with her real name; a name wasn’t known among her friends except Clint who never used it.

« Why are you lying to me? » the red head said to James after he opened his bed room door.

« What are you talking about? »

« You know exactly what I am talking about. »

« I’m sorry but I really don’t recognize you. Now if you could excuse me. » James said, he was about to close the door when suddenly the spy said:

« Andros » James got frozen in his place and his eyes widened. The look in his eyes said that he recognized that name, that he knew it very well.

« Why are avoiding me James? Why? Why don’t you want to confess that you remember?  That you remember us? » Natasha said with a pleading look in her eyes.

« Natalia, I… I am…. » the soldier tried to talk but he couldn’t express his thoughts.

« Say it again. » Nat said while cupping his face, caution be damned.

« Say what!? »

« My name, it’s been a long time since I heard it especially from you. »

« Natalia, Natalia, Natalia » James said with a smile, he cupped her face and put his forehead against hers and said again: « Natalia, my red rose. »

Natalia smiled and said « My James, my soldier. »then they kissed a deep kiss in which poured all their thoughts and emotions such as their sadness, how much they missed each other,, their feeling of loss during all those past years, their longing for each other, their want and need for and to be with each other, their feelings and their longing, their love, their hope for a better future as there’s no Hydra or red room.

«I missed you so much, you have no idea how many times I dreamed about this moment, how many times I wished for this even I thought that you were dead. » Natasha said after they settled on his bed.

« I can’t say the same but in some way I always missed your presence even after they brain washed me again, somehow I knew that there’s something missing in my life, I used to dream about our time together during the red room days but I never remembered your face which make me remember; I’m really sorry, you have no idea about how much I despise myself after I remembered that I shot you and attacked you. That’s why I denied knowing you; I couldn’t face you; look at you in the eyes or beg for your forgiveness. » Natasha smiled; cupped his face and kissed him then said:

« Don’t, Don’t blame yourself, you weren’t conscious when that happened. It wasn’t you who shot me but Hydra, you don’t need my forgiveness for you didn’t do anything wrong. »

They spent the whole day speaking, reminiscing their shared past, he expressed to her about his worries concerning their relationship especially that he was a wanted criminal but he got relieved when she told him that they were working on his case and that it will be solved very soon. That night they slept in each other’s arms and dreamed of a bright future together. In her following visit, she told him about their lost baby and what the red room did to her. It was hard for her but it felt good talking about she didn’t speak about it to anybody and how she feels, James got so sad; almost depressed about it but more angry at himself for not being there to protect their child and her, for not being strong enough to resist the trigger words, that day he mourned their innocent baby the life they could have had.

After six months from that day in Siberia, team Cap signed the amended accords and returned to the US with a pardon granted to a set of conditions. A month after that, James got his full pardon for the crimes committed by the winter soldier’s hands under Hydra’s control and order, he signed the accords as well but the conditions of his release were more severe than those of team Cap, he didn’t care of their severity as long as he can return to the US and be with Natalia.

For six months after his return, their relationship blossomed and got deep more than ever, they were always together considering that they both lived on the same floor and shared the same room but suddenly one day he started to behave strangely and get distracted, he would talk with Steve in low tone but he would stop whenever she entered the room. That lasted for a few days which made her sick worried but on Christmas day during the party, she discovered the reason for his weird behavior, he proposed to her with a beautiful ring purchased by Steve considering he could go out after his probation period ended and James can’t go out yet for his probation was for a year without permission to go out unless in extreme situations. It seemed also that he was worried that she would refuse seeing as couples in the new century could live together without marriage but he was old fashioned and he spoke of his worries with Steve who assured him that those worries have no sense. Off course she said yes without hesitation, they didn’t wait at all and tied the knot on the New Year’s party. It was a small wedding attended only by the avengers and their significant others; director Fury; Agent Maria Hill; Agent Coulson; Agent 13; Doctor Cho; king Tchalla; princess Shuri; Okoye and Nakia. The honeymoon got delayed off course but they had the compound for themselves for three days.

She had a tough childhood as well as adulthood, she lost her parents, a chance for a normal life, her child, her sterility, her lover for a long time but fate was kind to her and here she is, after years, in her lover and husband’s arms in their room who, by habit, is looking at her and stroking her hair like he did and do every morning since they first slept together. She is at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more chapters or three and it would be a wrap.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay.  
> don't forget to read and review :)

Since the moment Natasha’s conscious woke up, she smelled first thing his warm skin and got aware that the body beside her on the bed is awake and doing his favorite thing according to him; starring at her. Still closing her eyes, she stayed like that for some time enjoying his smell and remembering some past memories. After a while she decided to open her eyes and discover why her super soldier is awake at an early hour even though she was enjoying his hand’s touch on her face.   
« You never get tired of this habit, do you? » the red head said with a smile before opening her eyes.  
« Never » the soldier said while still stroking her hair. « Доброе утро, моя красная роза». Natasha pushed herself up into her elbows and said:  
« What time is it ? the sun isn’t out yet. »  
« It is 5:30 am. »  
« It’s still early, why are you up at this hour? Did you see a nightmare? » Natasha said caressing her husband’s cheek.  
« No, not exactly. « he said after lying on his back.  
« What do you mean? » Natalia said and put her head on his chest.  
« Well, it was kind of a dream. » the soldier said and started moving his fingers on her shoulder « it was a normal dream, after I woke up I just remembering that decades ago on a day like this one; after enduring a lot under Hydra’s hands; my life that led me to this future started when I met you my beautiful rose even though this day represents several bad events that happened. »   
« The earliest memory I have of this day is a bad one. »  
« I know; the memory of your parents’ murder and the beginning of your nightmare. »  
« Yeah, in some way New Year’s Eve will always represent a bad symbol in my life but when I met you; it started representing good events too, our first encounter, the first time we slept together,..»  
« Don’t make me remember that, when they first told me back then that they are going to give me a gift; I was surprised but when I discovered the nature of that gift I felt repulsed and disgusted of their twisted thinking even though I was a cold assassin.» the ex assassin said with a disgusted face at the reminder of that particular memory and the red room trainers’ sadistic facial expressions.  
« when they told me the first time that you were to be my personal trainer I cursed my destiny and wished death before meeting you and giving myself to you but my opinion changed after knowing you, so when they told me on our second new year’s eve that I will be having my first time with you I was quite happy and so sure that you wouldn’t hurt me and you didn’t disappoint my trust. » the red head said; leaned and pressed a kiss on his shoulder before joining her fingers with his metal ones.   
« You know, now that we mentioned this, I think that even if it was another girl on that night, I wouldn’t have been able to be brutal to her. When they told me about that ceremony I decided to be as careful as I can be with you considering I didn’t know how you felt toward me or about the whole thing but when you kissed me that morning; I felt assured and decided it wouldn’t be only a careful smooth physical relation but it would be love making as weird as that sound coming from me back then. »  
« And it was. It was also the best New Year’s gift I received and the first time I felt truly happy after so many years of despise toward that particular day. At least in our case, that ceremony went smoothly and fantastic, it turned out to a wonderful memory but I can say confidently that it didn’t feel the same for the other girls especially after I returned to the dorms the morning after. Some even started despising the word sex. »Nat said, took his metal hand and kissed it.  
« Yeah I can imagine especially after I saw the monstrous and cruel smiles of the other personal trainers and their conversations that revealed they only saw the girls as sex dolls or a tool that gives them just sexual relief. I almost emptied my stomach. » James said with a repulsed tone.  
« They had fucking twisted minds but at least we were lucky considering even during your mental state back then but you still had some morals toward certain things and that’s why I fell in love with you even when you were just the winter soldier. » Natalia said and pressed a light kiss to the nook of his neck.  
« You’re right but I’m the luckiest bastard between the two of us. No one can argue with me about this. » James said then got on top of her and started kissing her on her lips. Natalia put her arms around his neck, pulled him toward her to deepen their kiss and wrapped his waist with her legs. They parted their lips to catch some air then James cupped her face and said with a tone filled with lust   
« how about a morning round? »  
« when did I ever said no to you? » the red head said while passing her hands on his hair still recalling threading her fingers through it several times the night before during and after several rounds of sex. He almost cut it before their wedding but thank god she caught him and made him promise never to do it.  
« No, never. » the winter soldier said and started showering her neck with light kisses while their hands were busy roaming each other’s body when suddenly they heard light footsteps getting closer to their bedroom’s door.  
« Someone is very early today. » a smiling Nat said.  
« He’s probably very excited. At least I didn’t start undressing you. » James said then gave her one final deep kiss before pulling from her and settles back into the mattress.  
« hhhh, yeah and it’s good that we wore something after our activities yesterday night. »  
The door got opened quickly and revealed a little five years old boy who from his looks can’t be mistaken to be the progeny of the winter soldier and the black widow, with his dark chocolate brown hair; eyes and nose shaped liked his father and green eyes like his mother, running to his parents’ bed and jumping on it.  
« Мамочка, Πапочка, you’re awake. »  
« Good morning munchkin, come here. » James said, grabbed his son, kissed him on his forehead and put him between him and Nat.  
« Why are you up so early my little guy? » Natalia asked, caressing her son’s face.  
« I am very excited; I can’t wait to go back to our other house. »  
« But it’s still very early.» the smiling mother said.  
« I know but can’t we return now? I miss everyone. » the pouting boy said. Usually using his pouting and puppy dog eyes got him everything he wants.  
« I know baby boy but it’s still the night there. » Nat said with a wide smile because she knows what her baby boy is doing.  
« How about you sleep here with us for more couple of hours so when you wake up you won’t wait for too long until we take the quinjet and return? » James said to the little boy.  
« Mmmm, okay then. » their angel said and covered himself with the covers.  
The two proud parents stayed starring at their little ray of sunshine sleeping soundly between them. Suddenly James kissed her and said:  
« Thank you, thank you for everything. »  
« For what? » a surprised Natasha said.  
« For entering my life, for being the ray of light that enlightened my dark world, for being my salvation, for loving me with all my flaws and wrongs, for being my lover and my wife and for giving me Alexei. » he declared and kissed her again.  
« Don’t be ridiculous, it takes two to have one. »  
« You know, before Alexei was born or even conceived, I viewed our life together perfect. Sometimes I remembered and mourned our first child and imagined how our lives would have been but that didn’t haunt me, I still saw our life as perfect because I was content with having you in my life but when Alexei was born and held him for the first time; in that moment I felt like our life really became perfect and complete. »  
« I will confess something, you know on the day Alexei was born, I was breastfeeding him and you were asleep with your head on the bed, until that moment I couldn’t believe that we were given a second chance to be parents, I could feel him sucking milk but it was like being trapped between reality and dream. I pinched myself really hard for goodness ‘sake. In that moment, I believed that there’s really some higher being that is watching over us and giving us second chances in life. »  
« Yeah, I know what you mean, I felt the same like you when I heard his first scream and held him for the first time. It was like a religious experience. »  
« The best experience ever, so thank you too. And as said; it takes two to have one. » she leaned on and kissed him a light kiss.  
As they were watching over their beautiful creature; their ray of sunshine who enlightened their world and made them believe in second chances especially for Natalia as he was the realization of her deepest wish, something she thought she would never have; they were remembering how they reached this beautiful moment.  
*************************************  
Six years ago, she was severely injured during a mission in Africa, the bomb exploded near her; she was on blink of death, barely alive. They were near Wakanda so she was taken there and to her luck; Dr Cho was there with her cradle of life, whoever gave that machine that name was right because that cradle combined with Wakandan medical technology have done miracles to her body. At first the only miracle they thought that happened to her was healing her from her mortal injuries that no any kind of operation or doctor would have been able to cure her. In two months she was back new and better than before. They discovered the other miracle after 5 months from that accident. She was nauseous all the time, her mood swings were the worst; she would be calm and in a minute her mood would change, she was dizzy too.  
At first, they thought that there was something that went wrong during her healing or that she was sick. They decided to go to a doctor where they received the chocking cause for all those symptoms; off course they couldn’t believe the results so they went to Wakanda. Dr Cho, the doctors and Shuri confirmed the validity of those results, they re-analyzed again but the results were the same.  
« You are really pregnant, we re-analyzed and tested you a few times; the results are the same. » Dr Cho said to the worried and confused couple. They were sitting on the sofa intertwining their hands.   
« But how is that possible! The red room… the red room made sure to take that ability from me, I.. I did…I didn’t even have a normal cycle. » the chocked red head said, her tone was full of confusion.  
« We have done a comparison between your pelvic x ray tests before your accident and after it, it is true that you were unable to have children before that fateful mission but it seems that the cradle and Wakandan technology treated that also besides your injuries from the explosion or the scares that you got from your previous missions. Due to your sexual routine not to use protection, your body took his time to heal that area and the first egg that your body produced was fertilized immediately, it didn’t have the chance to transform to a cycle. » Dr Cho explained to the perplexed couple not being able to say a letter let alone a word.  
« We are really sorry for not notifying you of this after the accident, we are truly sorry, we didn’t mean not to tell you and cause you this uncomfortable situation. » Shuri said.  
« No, No. don’t be sorry, I’m really confused and shocked right now but this is not… an uncomfortable situation, it’s, h… it’s quite the opposite actually. » the red head said trying to process what was said to her. She put her hands on her abdomen and for the first time she couldn’t hold her tears and let them out. Then she turned her head and said to her husband:   
« I’m really pregnant, I can’t believe it. We’re going to be parents; I’m going to be a mother. »   
« Yes you are Дорогой, we’re going to be parents, you will be a magnificent mother, I’m sure of that Возлюбленная. »the soldier said while shedding a tear also. Then he put his hands on top of hers which were still covering her abdominal area.  
That night, they slept like they were in a cocoon with her hands covering her abdominal area in a fetus position and James using his body like a shield protecting her and their precious baby.  
During the following seven months, they were on egg shells, they felt like they were trapped in some kind of a dream or a hallucination, especially Natasha who was not able to properly process that she was really pregnant after living for many years with the fact that being a mother was not a possibility for her to the point that it became engraved in her mind; like someone who is sterile from birth, even with all the ultra sound photos. The first time she felt the baby’s kicks and movement, she cried a river, from that moment it started to feel real for her, that day she and James spent the whole day feeling their baby boy’s kicks. It became like a hobby or a routine for them, each night Natasha would lie back between her soldier’s legs with their hands on her baby bump to monitor the kicks until Alexei Lakovovitch Romanova Barnes was born on November the 16 ͭʰ.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, soo sorry for the delay but i was sick during november, nerveus colite did his number on me. as for december i was on a vaccation with my family.  
> late happy new year everyone and i hope that during this year all your hopes and wishes come true.  
> i hopre you like this chapter.  
> ENJOY.

They spent almost the whole month of December in Saint-Petersburg in her childhood home but they promised their family to return to the US to spend New Year’s Eve at the compound with them. Each year Tony and May throw a small party for family at the compound. It became a tradition to make it family only since Tony and May officially hooked up. They had lunch and got ready to leave, normally a flight from Russia to the USA take almost 10 hours but with the jet it only took them 5 hours for them to reach New York where they landed at the jet’s hangar at the compound, the avengers’ home.

The compound itself was like a small city, a village. It was composed of two main parts, the first part is essentially composed of apartments, each member has his own apartment that contains four bedrooms; a kitchen and a living room, a communal kitchen, a spacious living room where usually all the avengers spend their free time, two bathrooms, a swimming pool; an inside one and another one on the roof, a sauna, a gym, a personal lab, a library and a garden. The second part is for avengers business composed of a medical bay, training rooms, laboratories, conference rooms, offices, weapons’ vaults, dorms for workers and employees, a cafeteria, a restaurant and a hangar for cars; helicopters and hellicarriers.

« Yay, we are finally here. » Alexei said cheerfully while descending from the jet.

« You are awfully excited today. » Natasha said while helping her son to descend.

« I miss my room and everybody. »  The little brunet said.

« You have your own room in Russia too. » James said.

« I like my room there too but this is our home where our family is and where I grew up. » the little boy explained his opinion while walking with his parents from the hangar.

« It makes sense. » Natasha admitted.

«Yeah, the kid is growing up. »

The moment they set foot outside the hangar, it was very apparent that the compound is in a very festive mood, each inch was decorated in Christmas and New Year’s theme from the white or silver Christmas trees, happy New Year’s shaped balloons, elves and reindeers statues to the fake snow.

« Even though I am living here for 8 years now but each time I’m in awe at those festival decorations each time. » James revealed while looking at the decorations around him.

« Tell me about it and I lived here far longer than you. If there is one thing that May doesn’t have a say in it, it is holiday’s decorations. » Natalia acknowledged.

« Yeah, that’s for sure especially now more than ever. » the soldier added.

« Whoa, it is like Christmas world, I could never get tired of this. » an enthusiastic Alexei said with awe and very opened eyes filled with joy.

« I am sure there is more decoration and surprises along the way; let’s go first to the apartment, change our clothes and then we will go to the main living room. » James said.

After having a shower and getting dressed for the party, they took the elevator to go to the main living room. As they exited the elevator they met Steve and his family.

« Bucky, you have returned, welcome back. » Steve greeted them with his usual smile.

« Yeah, we arrived almost an hour and a half ago. »

« Hi Beth, how are you and how is this little man doing? » Natasha said and kissed the three years old child who was being held in his mother’s arms.

« We’re fine, thank you. How was your vacation? » Beth asked.

« It went very well, we visited a lot of places, Alexei loved it. » Nat said.

« I heard that maybe Thor will come. » Steve said.

« Really! Who told you? » the red head questioned. They all missed Thor so much; it’s been a long time since they last saw their goofy friend.

« Dr Selvig told us, some asgardian sent from Thor told him. » Steve stated.

« Thor! You mean the guy you call god of thunder? The man with the cape and the hammer! » the soldier inquired.

« Yes, that one. » Beth answered.

« You met him before? » James asked.

« No, actually I only saw him personally during New York invasion and on TV during Sokovia’s battle but I never met him or talked to him. » Beth explained.

« The last time we all saw him was after Ultron’s ordeal and the moving to the compound, after that he returned to Asgard and didn’t hear anything about him. It has been ten years now, so it’s good that he’s coming. » Steve clarified.

« Everyone is here already? » Natalia asked.

« Yeah, Clint and his family spent Christmas with us this year too. »

« That’s good to hear, they always spent it either at home or at Laura’s parents house so it’s good that it changed this year. » Natasha said.

« Yeah, the children enjoyed their time so much that they already told their parents they are going to spend next Christmas here too. » Beth added.

« So, are you going to make a Russian Christmas vacation a family tradition? » Steve wondered.

« No, not exactly. Even though we enjoyed our time there and Alexei loved it but still, we missed it here. » Bucky answered.

« Yeah, maybe we’ll go from time to time but not to the point of a tradition. » Nat said.

When they stepped inside the main living room where there was in the middle a giant traditional real gold and red Christmas tree with a lot of presents under it put on a Mongolian faux fur skirt with a red and gold Christmas bouquet topper. Balloons in shape of best wishes, Happy New Year, Bonne année or C НОBbІМ ГОДОМ             ( s novym godom ) floating. There was also a fake snowman and silver reindeers with wreaths around their necks in each corner of the room. A life size Santa Clause holding a lantern with a reindeer status stood beside the fireplace decorated with silver tinsel where above it there was little snow covered fir trees; little golden letter cubes forming in red Happy Holidays and coronation crowns holders holding Nordic knit stockings. Above the fireplace, there was a hanged green wreath decorated with red ornaments and a golden ribbon bow. Underneath the fireplace stood a medium size nutcracker doll and three different sized lanterns inside them pillar candles surrounded by little flowers.

The sofas have Christmas and New Year themed throw blankets, cushions and pillows, there was also a big basket filled with blankets. Even the consoles, buffets and side tables were either decorated with tinsel, with a crate filled with birch candles surrounded with pinecones; fresh greenery and cranberries, wooden boxes filled with a scented candle in glass holders as a centerpiece surrounded with little statues of elves and miniature fir trees, a simple wooden candle holders, lanterns filled with different shaped ornaments or a tray that has garland; golden little cranberries with sparkling lights sitting on it a little silver reindeer and three different sized tall candle holder glasses.

The big coffee table was filled with holiday goodies: mugs and thermos of hot chocolate on a ceramic and metal serving sleigh platter, a basket of holiday chocolate gourmet, a dark chocolate holiday tree on a big round platter, peppermint macaroons, fudge, a bouquet of dipped pretzels, white; dark chocolate; vanilla and strawberry cupcakes, sugar cookies, holiday cut out cookies and in the middle of the table red poinsettia stems in a fluted gold vase.

The two little families found Tony and May exchanging words and Kisses.

« For goodness sake Tony, anyone one can enter here especially children, get hold of yourself. » Steve said, his voice implying he is joking with him for he was happy to see Tony so joyful, carefree, so enamored and in a very healthy relationship. He was happy before with Pepper but he was always stressed and fearful of her leaving him because of her not accepting the idea of Tony as Iron Man but with May it was different, she gets worried over him off course but she supports him all the time and never told him to quit being Iron man, May knows and understand fully well what having the suit and being in it means to Tony more than them even. She made him truly happy, healthy again and less stressed and for that all the avengers loves and respects her.

« Uncle Tony, I missed you soo much. » Alexei shouted while running to his uncle who opened his arms and hugged him.

« My little buddy, I missed you too. Did you enjoy your vacation? » the brunet said, kneeling on the floor.

« Yeah, we had a lot of fun but I still missed you all here and my room too. »

« Yeah Tony, tone the canoodling down a little bit especially now considering your status. » Natasha said with a mischievous smirk as she made her way toward them, she grabbed a chocolate fudge then gave them a peck on the cheek.

« Merry Christmas to you too Red head and you’re one to talk considering you and the one armed man over here are always overly affectionate, smoochy, canoodling and kissing even in front of your son. » a smiling Tony said with a smirk while putting his arm around May’s shoulders as they all took a seat.

« Argh, you should have seen them during Christmas, it was disgusting especially with all those mistletoes hanged in every inch. » peter said as he entered the living room and set beside Tony.

«You’re ganging up with them against your old man; you wound me kid» Tony said with a dramatic look on his face and his hand over his heart « I love my wife and I’m not shy not to show it. Besides, it is disgusting for you? really? You’re a teenager for goodness sake; your hormones are in control of you in this period. »

« Yeah, but seeing you two doing it in front of me makes it uncomfortable. » peter mumbled with a red face.

« But Uncle Tony, I find it disgusting with everyone doing it not only my parents who kiss a lot. » Alexei said with frown on his face.

« I know buddy, that’s because you’re a child but when you grow up, it will be different, believe your Uncle Tony and no one else, okay? »

« Okay» the five years old child said with all his innocence as his parents were trying to hide their laughs. They find his innocence adorable and catharsis considering their pasts as assassins but they intend to make his childhood as normal and innocent as any other child especially for Natasha who only enjoyed her childhood for five years and after that it was hell on earth.

« So where have you been? »  Tony asked Peter.

« I was finishing some homework and a school project. I told you about it Dad. » Peter said to his adopted father. Tony adopted Peter just after he started dating May and by the time Tony and May got married after a year of dating, Peter started calling him      “Dad” because he sees him as a parental figure, someone he didn’t have almost his entire life considering he doesn’t remember his biological father.

« Yeah I remember, did you finish it? What about the problem you told me about, did you find a solution for it? » the proud father said. Even it’s been years since he adopted Peter and started being called Dad but each time Peter calls him like that, he feels a burst of joy in his chest. He never thought that he would adopt and be called dad but here he is now, he has an adopted son that he’s so proud of.

« Yeah dad, I finished the homework, as for the problem, well, I figured a way but I want you to check it first. »

« Okay, I’ll check it tomorrow even though I trust that mind of yours. » Tony said. Suddenly a little girl in a sweet light pink ballet dress with 3 D little flowers on the end of the dress entered running toward James and Natasha who was eating a few chocolate cookies.

« Uncle James, Auntie Tasha, I missed you; you won’t go away again, right? » the little girl chirped.

« Come here, sweetheart, we missed you too. By the way, you look so beautiful in you dress and shoes like a ballerina. » Smiling James complemented the little girl and gave a kiss on her cheek.

« We won’t go again darling, come to auntie. I missed your smile. » the red head said before giving the little girl a hug and a kiss.

« Alexei » the happy girl shouted and hugged him.

« I missed you too Sophie. » Alexei said with a big smile and gave her a long hug and a kiss.

« Ok, Ok you two, stop getting too handy with each other. » Tony said while trying to hide his joking tone and maintain a serious face.

« But I missed him daddy. » the sad little girl said with a pout as she sat on her father’s lap.

« Oh sweetheart, I was only joking. I know you missed them as we did. » Tony said to his daughter with an amused face at her reaction.

Sophia Maria Stark along with Peter Benjamin Parker Stark were the ray of light that enlighten Tony Stark’s world, his pride and joy. He and May didn’t discuss having children of their own and he was content with having Peter as his son and only heir but that changed as he and May got the good news and his wife was over the moon, she revealed to him that even though she raised Peter and consider him as her son but she always craved a baby conceived by her and the man she loves; luckily that man is him. If 11 years ago, someone told him that in the near future he would be a married man and has two children; he would have blasted him with his repulse beam blaster. He’s not by nature a religious man but he thanks god every day for the family he has and the happiness he feels whenever he sees his family and friends laughing; happy and safe, he couldn’t ask for more.

As they were chatting about how they spent Christmas and the vacation in Russia, they heard two sets of footsteps running in the corridor, after a few moments two boys entered the living room and headed toward James and Natasha yelling in unison with happiness on their faces: « Uncle James, Aunt Natasha, Alexei, we missed you guys so much especially during Christmas. »

« We missed you too, come here and give your uncle a hug. »

« I hope you didn’t cause any mischief during Christmas. »  Nat said as she patted their heads.

« No Auntie, we were on our best behavior. » the boys assured her together.

« It’s creepy when they speak in unison like this. » Tony whispered to his wife.

« Tony. » May hissed.

« What! It’s true. I love them but it’s scary sometimes. »

Suddenly they heard a voice yelling

« William Anthony Maximoff, Thomas Robert Maximoff, what did I say about running like that in the corridors? And did I not tell you to clean your room this morning? »

« O o » the boys gulped « we’re in a big trouble. »

They looked toward the door where a very angry and furious Wanda stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aunt May in this story is Aunt May of civil war version because it seemed to me that in homecoming they made her seem older.  
> Don't forget to comment ;)

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to review ;)


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